Post SBD

The whole layoff thing has been super depressing, and I'm trying to make sense of it -- to find a narrative that works for me. I don't understand the layoff methodology. I don't understand getting rid of all of the managers in some departments, including the managers of the forklift operators, when forklift operating is what a forklift company does. It's in the company's name, for crying out loud. 

We're doing handoffs with people who were affected, including an archivist who is of the "making things globally better in the company" persuasion. Her projects are heady, important and involve people across departments. I am not motivated to continue her work, because the desire for making things better by means of large projects that I might also leave mid-stream just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. That said, I will need to continue to participate in handoff discussions in order to honor the departing.

I gave up on my own larger projects a long time ago. And in the months before the layoff I realized that even if I stayed at the forklift company for another two decades I would not get the opportunity to take care of some stuff that I think needs to be done. 

Case in point: there is a database that I've been looking at since 1999, when I was a contractor. It was a combination of data from several different databases pulled under one hood. I would love to do data cleanup, because there are project titles that nobody will know about without the brain of a longterm employee. I bring assets back by knowing what the records mean, but when I'm gone some of that access will be gone with me.

Someone once told me that I shouldn't care more than the company does. I never agreed with that, because I can't do my job if I'm not aiming higher and thinking about all of the ways that the things I collect will be used. On one hand maybe I was wrong all of those years, but on the other I helped make something remarkable. I'm going to concentrate on the latter, and try to tidy up before I leave.

Oh one more thing. This whole situation makes retirement so much more desirable. 

The Man Report

Things are good. The road has been rough.

Earlier in the week, after weeks of chemo and radiation, mrguy looked unbelievably frail. He was awake for a few hours of the day. He could only rally for his Monday dj session. He was living on yogurt, and I felt like I needed to intervene. He'd get up to drink three 530 calorie Boosts a day. I would make food and eat it myself. Both of us were super depressed. I had my work life, which was incredibly intense, and then I'd step out of a meeting about crazy work stuff to get advice on what I should do for mrguy, or what to expect.

When I talk to our oncology nurse navigator, who is provided by our insurance plan, I realize why it's so hard to retire. We can't continue to work with her unless I stay at the forklift factory, because Cigna doesn't work with individuals. And she is the most calming influence I have. For two and a half years, she has guided us through cancer, and we wish she was our mom. Anyhoo, she suggested that mrguy take his nausea meds a different way. Then I suggested to him that he go back to his old plan that worked so well. He kinda gave me a "Hell no" on that, saying that the original plan required him to get up at 3am to take one of the meds. He said he'd just stop Compazine entirely.

Unlike most stories in which a person goes cold turkey and then has something awful happen, he woke up the next day and was a completely different person. The spark of life had returned, Lazarus-like. He stopped sleeping 6 hours in the middle of the day, and occasionally cruising like a toddler who steadies himself on the furniture while walking. He's super thin, but last night all he could think about (insomnia hasn't changed) was driving to the town where he went to college, visiting a particular bagel shop, burrito shop and donut store. His description of the chile relleno burrito has my stomach rumbling. And we are SO going to do this.

I can't tell you what a relief this is. He's been suffering for weeks and weeks and now we see a bit of a light in the distance. Maybe, just maybe, we've made it through this tough stretch.

I'll take it.

FedEx v Locust Tree

From over on the fb:


Late-breaking neighborhood excitement: FedEx guy backed into one of my trees (twice), while doing a terrible 3-point turn. I went outside, took photos, smacked his truck with one of my lady hands as he drove away, and made him stop. He was literally dragging a small tree branch on his bumper. Despite his adorable face melting my heart I pointed at him and yelled “I want you to APOLOGIZE for hurting my tree”. He did, and was very nice and I was appeased.


I did not use any bad words.

PS Sorry about the formatting. I do not consistently hit preview before I post to see if it looks like dooky.

Ingrediments for Sumo

Miss clam had a double bunionectomy. The viewing of last day of the basho was over at her house. I made mackerel mousse and risotto. It was delightful.

By the way, I am so in love with this lady. An admin in one of the sumo fb groups threatened to expel me for asking who she was. Reddit is a little / lot more promiscuous on the matter. Someone says that she's the head of one of the fan groups. For which rikishi or for which beya I do not know. She reminds me of my mom -- judging me through the screen.

Bonus sumotori armpit for y'all!