Mom Yells About Money

Sometimes when things are really exasperating I record my mom's rants. In this one, she describes how commerce works. Sorta. I enjoyed having the transcription program at work digest this phone call and then tidying it up on my holiday. I have called this piece "Mom Yells About Money (a dialectic in which mothers can threaten to kick your ass if you don't do what they say)."

For the purpose of this blog entry, the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Rose: Mom’s primary caregiver

CeCe: Me

Suzie: My sister, who takes care of all of our mom's finances.

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Me: Hi, Mama. 

 

Mom: Who is it?

 

Me: It's CeCe. It's the baby. 

 

Mom: Is it Rose? 

 

Me: It's your youngest child. It's CeCe. 

 

Mom: How do we get ahold of the money we need to give to the bank?

 

Me: Oh! I can give you some money. 

 

Mom: You can give me the money? 

 

Me: Sure. Yes! What kind of money do you need, Mom? 

 

Mom: You said you could give me the money? You can give it to me right now. 

 

Me: I’m working right now. 

 

Mom: When?

 

Me: I could give you the money tomorrow. What money do you need?

 

Mom (to Rose): How much money do we need?

Rose: I don’t know, Mama, what you talking about. I don't know what you say something about money. 

 

Mom: (To me): How much money do we need?

 

Me: If I give you $100, would that be good?

 

Mom: How much money do we need?

 

Me: How about $100? 

 

Mom: (exasperated) How much?

 

Me: How about one hundred dollars?

 

Mom: Twenty dollars? 

 

Me: Oh, I could give you $20!

 

Mom: How much money do I need?

 

Me: You tell me. Why do you need money, Mama? Who is asking you for money? 

 

Mom: I need the money right now so the bank will close our businesses

 

Me: Oh, I think you're fine, Mama. I don't think that you need it. Who told you? Who told you that you needed the money? 

 

Mom: It's what CeCe says.

 

Me: I'm CeCe. 

 

Mom: CeCe says you need a hundred dollars.

 

Me: I'll give you $100 if you want. I'll give you $100. 

 

Mom: When?

 

Me: Tomorrow!

 

Mom: Can you give it to me today? 

 

Me: No. 

 

Mom: Why not? 

 

Me: Because I’m working 

 

Mom: Do you have twenty dollars?

 

Me: I do have $20. Yeah. I can give you $20 tomorrow. 

 

Mom: You can give it to me. To-morrow. Can I come and pick it up? 

 

Me: No. But I can bring it to you. 

 

Mom: When can you bring it to me?

 

Me: After work tomorrow. 

 

Mom: Can you bring it to me today? 

 

Me: No. But I can bring it to you tomorrow. 

 

Mom: When tomorrow? 

 

Me: After work. 

 

Mom: After work’s when?

 

Me: 6 p.m.

 

Mom: I need it tomorrow early.

 

Me: I can bring it after work tomorrow. Mama, who is asking you for money? 

 

Mom: I need the money for tomorrow.

 

Me: Why do you need the money? 

 

Mom: Because there are bills to be paid and they are not being paid. 

 

Me: Oh, Suzie pays your bills. 

 

Mom: We all need it and I’m trying to collect it so we’ll all have to eat it and have it for dinner tomorrow.

 

Me: Oh. Ok. Well Suzie will pay your bills for you.

 

Mom: It’ll be what?

 

Me: Oh, it's going to be paid by Suzie. 

 

Mom: I need the money tomorrow. Can you give it to me today?

 

Me: Well, I can give it to you tomorrow. 

Mom: What about today and then it will all be done?

 

Me: Hmmmm. Tomorrow.

 

Mom: This is CeCe? Why can’t you give it to me tomorrow?

 

Me: I will give it to you tomorrow. Okay?

 

Mom: CeCe, I need the money today because I need to have the bills paid today.

  

Me: Your bills are paid for you by Suzie, and you do not have to worry about your bills. Your bills are automatically paid.

 

Mom: I need the money today so I could pay the bills. 

 

Me: What I'm telling you is that Suzie pays the bills. You do not need to pay the bills. Suzie pays your bills for you. 

 

Mom: I need the bills to pay them.

 

Me: You do not. Suzie takes care of that for you. Can you say that? “Suzie pays my bills for me?”

 

Mom: I need them today so that I can pay them.

 

Me: Oh. Suzie doesn’t need it today.

 

Mom: Because it’s already due. 

 

Me: Because it's already paid. 

 

Mom: (Screaming): I need it today!! Do you understand?!!

 

Me: Okay. 

 

Mom: Can I come and get it now?

 

Me: I'll bring it tomorrow. I'll bring it first thing tomorrow.

 

Mom: Just a minute 

 

(Starts talking to caregiver with hand over mouthpiece. Muffled sounds of the caregiver telling her that she doesn’t need money and that it isn’t safe to keep money in her room).

 

I pretend that we’re starting the conversation fresh. Spoiler: that doesn’t work.

 

Me (brightly): Hi Mama! How are you today?

 

Mom: Mom (super cross) I need the money now.

 

Me: Oh! Really? But, Mama, are you…can you hear me? Are you listening to me? Are you listening to me? 

 

Mom: I don’t need it tomorrow when I already need it today.

 

Me: Oh, well, I'm going to bring it to you tomorrow.

 

Mom: No. I need it today.

 

Me: And I'll make sure that the bank knows. 

 

Mom: I need it today so I can take care of my bills TO-DAY

 

Me: Hey, lady. You know what, Mama? You do not have any bills to pay. 

 

Mom: How ‘bout bringin’ it over today. I need it today. And then I’ll be safe.

 

Me: Mama, you're safe. I will make you safe. You're safe, Mama. Is that what's wrong? You don't feel safe?

 

Mom: I give you money and when you give it to me I put it in the bank. Then I take it out of the bank and I take it to the people that say “You owe me” and I say “OK”. 

 

Me: That's how it used to work. But now, now your bills come to Suzie, and Suzie pays your bills for you.

 

Mom: See? You do know when I knew and when you need it and then you can ask me back later. You can say so and so, then your mother, so I need to have it today so I can pay it (yelling) TOMORROW.

 

Me: Hmmm. Well (stalling)

 

Mom: (Shrieking) Where is your husband?

 

Me: Uhhh…He’s at the grocery store. Why?

 

Mom: Wherrrrre is your great big boy? 

 

Me: (Laughing) My great big boy is at the grocery store. 

 

Mom: That’s a lovely place from him. Now…as soon as he gets home from greesery, would you tell him to come to your house and give you Muhhhh-Naaaaay??!! Because you borrowed money and I need it so I can pay the bills. Liiiiiiikkke we can get food for all of us to eat and then would you do that? Then you have paid the bills. If I’ve said give me the money and I’ll say “Sure! Come on over and I’ll give it to ya. Got it?”

 

Me: Sure.

 

Mom: I’ll kick you in the ass.

 

Me (brightly): Oh. Ok. All right. I will tell that to mrguy. OK? I’m going to hang up now. 

 

Mom: Are you going to give us the money you owe us so we can all eat? (clears throat)

 

Me: Mama. I gotta go now. I’m working and I gotta go now. But I’ll make sure you get the money, ok?

 

Mom: Are you going to come over and give me the money you owe me so I can pay (shrieking) YOUR BILL?

 

Me: Sure!

Mom: So if you do that then I’ll pay you your rat.

 

Me: All right. I'll talk to you a little later, Mama. See you later. Bye.