Spinning Blades of Death

From Last Wednesday:

The term "Spinning Blades of Death" was coined by a guy named Ed Ho, who worked at a startup with mrguy. "SBD" would be the subject line of an email containing a list of laid-off employees.

Today was the day. I wasn't laid off, but not for lack of trying. I have asked the head of the company to reconsider. In a huge shocker they laid off our manager, and our infrastructure archivist. This is one third of our department. Those two make the department run. And we were told that we are now going to be managed by a senior publicist (very nice person) who knows nothing about archives and already has a job.

My initial thought was to whiteboard and fix and do the things that you do if you stick around. But as the decisions above us have sunk in, the pure thoughtlessness of it, the apparent assumption that we'll band together and make things work? It seems pointless.

I built this department up from the contents of a double office and have seen it grow into a well oiled machine. Our team has had a great run. It seems weird to want to walk out the door without knowing that someone will run the thing, but I'm just so depressed that I can't imagine sticking around. I went to the car wash, and was so disappointed there, as well. I paid for three color foam and there was no pink. It looked like the sink in my hotel in Singapore when the neti pot broke through my sinus infection.

From Today:

It's been over a week now, and I feel better-ish. The day after the layoff the team (I call us the square, cause there are only 4 of us) whiteboarded the departing employees' roles and tried to come to a decision about what we won't do. I came clean with the team that I'm retiring. This was a huge relief. The week has been about coming to terms with this seismic shift in our department. Meeting with the GM. Hearing that they really do want us to do less, and won't fire us if we do. Figuring that they had to lay off the people they did, because if they got rid of me it wouldn't be enough.

I am not going to dwell on this too much, but we were doing outreach to forklift designers who didn't have time for what we were offering. We were hearing and responding to the things that the company was telling us. Then brainstorming and executing things that we could do to align with that vision. I am reminded of mrpeterpotamous, my old diner boss, who said "I don't pay you to think. I pay you to serve". So what if? 

In some ways nothing is wrong. Other than being heartbroken that our teammates are leaving. And feeling guilty that I feel bad for my own situation.

One of the square suggested that I hand off my presentation for the fan fest to another member of the square who is attending. I finished the presentation and did just that. Mrguy has been so sick, and this week I realized it's just too much. Thankfully my sweet colleague is going to step up.

I am going to try to get into this new world in the short term. Mrguy isn't ready for me to retire yet, it turns out. And now that I've delivered a first draft of my presentation, my goal is to power through as much of my processing backlog as I can before I go. It's feeling a little better.

Good Friday Thoughts

The rev invited me to see some amazing singing that's happening at her church today. I was going to do it (fancy opera singers were on the bill). Then I looked at the church calendar and realized that it is Good Friday, the saddest day on the calendar. I can't do more sads. My feelings are too close to the surface, and this morning was Pilates, a conversation with the oncologist, a conversation with our oncology nurse navigator and a followup / stitch removal at the dermatologist. I'm 50-50 -- of four spots he biopsied two were cancer. One will get burned off, and the other is in the middle of my face and will require Mohs. On the way home the central character of the memoir I'm listening to was murdered. 

I put on my makeup and everything, thinking I was going to hear Bach, but no. Jesus death is too depressing.

In other news I've had a mixed bag of dreams lately. Last night I dreamed that I was at my old restaurant and my section filled up and I simply couldn't get to everyone fast enough (a recurring dream). Then someone wanted a crawfish milkshake. I asked my boss if we had crawdads that week and she said yes, and it was evident that I would have to cook and shell my own crawdads in order to make the milkshake.

A different dream saw me at the forklift factory, which was kinda laid out like a supermarket. Donald Trump was on the PA system telling us that there would be no more awards given to employees, that it cost too much money. I couldn't believe that he had infiltrated my work life somehow, so I put my fingers in my ears and sang really loud so I could drown him out in my own head.

A very rewarding dream had me in a familiar situation in which I had taken incompletes in a few classes repeatedly (I used to do this in undergrad) and then took these classes again and totally flaked until the end. I went to the final but was obviously going to flunk. Instead of reminding myself that I could take these classes again I stopped to realize that none of this mattered because I was about to retire and had already had a career. Now *that* was pretty awesome. 

If I could take control of my dreams more often I'd probably sleep better.

Garden News

I have been depressed. And doing family stuff that makes me feel crummy. But I went out into the garden the other day and got over myself. 

Nature!!

In the front yard the orchids are blooming. Such an embarrassment of riches. Orchids that just grow in your yard without any help. I took photos, brought some in, and shared some with ms clam, who lately has been in the guise of her alter ego: mama bear.

Also of note, our orange tree is doing its thing. As a reminder, last year it formed oranges for the first time in our 12 years at this address. Then the gardeners misunderstood mrguy's instructions and cut off the branch they were on. Well right now there are two oranges that you can barely make out in the center of the photo. One is the size of a tennis ball. The other is the size of a softball. And there are many huge blossoms that are the size of my pinkie finger's first joint (the one with the nail).

Can't wait to see what happens.

December Blues

This fall I have been punching above my weight for so long that I finally snapped. I've given presentations, been interviewed many times on zoom, on the phone, on camera. With my colleagues I've given tours, pulled material from the archives for visitors. I participated in our company's Halloween, which is a big deal and stressful. And I was invited to submit a form for consideration for the top worldwide forklift association, which was stressful. I created an event that had many parts and was kinda a big deal also -- and I've had increasing feelings of discomfort in my department meetings, in which I blew up a few weeks ago, and I have felt responsible and awful ever since. This week, before I had a chance to talk to my boss about what has been happening, we had an offsite that included a personality test which I flunked, and had a conflict resolution discussion in which I cried. Recently, at the same time, on my off days and sometimes on my on-days I've had to have two hour conversation with my sister or all of my sibs about my mom's complicated estate. And our combined family business. Mrguy, who has cancer and has been feeding me every day and listening to his tear-stained wife. It's a lot. So today I'm going to concentrate on nice things.

I should post this in Calibri.