InGratitude

It's Thanksgiving and I am grateful for many things. And some others I just have to confront with humor and pissy-ness.

I am grateful that the first part of Thanksgiving was chill. That I decided to only have the mama over for one night. That choice let me cook the day before Thanksgiving and have most of the Thursday left for hanging out and watching the parade and the dog show with the mama, which was lovely for a while. Mom said that it was the smoothest parade ever, but I think she was maybe thinking that our meal preparation was the smoothest ever. I spent less of the parade and dog show cooking.

But the afternoon and evening were a complete pile of doo. Not exactly sure what happened, but the mama's mood turned foul and there were so many questions and no good answers.

I will back up and remind people that she doesn't understand that she has Alzheimer's. She can't retain information. Her natural instinct to blame and criticize and doggedly retain information that irks her (and then tell you all about it) is in full control. For this reason, you can't tell her anything. You can't tell her that she won't be sleeping in her customary guest bedroom because mrguy had a migraine and we decided not to move the furniture just for her one night of pleasure. You can't tell her that one reason she's spending the night is that her caregivers have the day off, and that she needs constant supervision in order to be safe. You can't tell her shit. But here's what she can tell you (if by you I mean me)

• Your hair is stringy
• You should do something with your nails
• It's a wonder you can find anything in your office
• Your husband should go stand on the corner where they put things that nobody wants
• You should have had me over for lunch, instead, and then taken me home
• Your cat is spoiled
• Your face looks sad
• Are you enjoying my car? (This is my car that I've faked her into thinking is hers)
• Are you enjoying the chair? (my dad's chair, which was my grandfather's chair and is now here)
• I should have kept some of the diamonds I gave you for your wedding ring for myself. Do you like your ring?
• You're rushing me to get out of here tomorrow
• 3am: I want to go home now
• 5am: I want to go home now
• To my brother: did you adopt two puppies so wouldn't be able to travel and see me?
• I wonder what the rest of the family is doing today? (this was especially awful because everybody was good about calling to wish her a happy Thanksgiving.
• I've never felt so unwelcome anywhere in my life

The negativity was relentless.

Lessons learned? Alzheimer's is hard for her every single day. She needs people to lash out at in order to feel like she has some agency in her life. Big lesson -- no more staying over at my house. I want to protect mrguy from her bullshit, and it doesn't seem like it's safe at night (she was really wiggly on one of her nighttime trips and I was afraid that she'd fall in the bathroom). 

I've worked it all out. I've already figured out how Christmas will work, and I have asked my older sister to take care of her on New Years Day. For years I have hosted the mama on Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and then my sister and I have taken her on a trip on her birthday. I'm already anticipating the fit she will throw, but at least she'll be throwing that fit at her place.