Call The Police!

The adventure continues. As of Tuesday, my sibs have come clean with the people in charge of Mom's community, and they know she has Alzheimer's. And now her neighbors know that as well, because she keeps making a break for it and yelling for help. A different day she was yelling about calling the police, and her neighbors, who are concerned about her, were apparently asking Wellness if it was time for her meds. That was kinda sweet. Now she's just annoying -- suffering and I can't help.

When I thought things had calmed down a bit last weekend, I asked for the sibs to reserve my work day for work. I told them they could talk to me before work, at lunch and after work (which is a lot of the day). "This isn't working for me," I heard, after one day. "I need your help". "Sure," I said. And I waited for the task that I was supposed to do, and heard nothing.

One of the great breakthroughs last week was that middlesis agreed to memory care, after many hours of 4-way phone conversations. I put down the deposit to be on the waiting list for a specific facility. And then she wavered and said of memory care: "I just don't see it. I don't see why memory care is better than her own place, with Ladies" (i.e. our private caregivers). The next day she wanted a private conversation with me to hash things out. We came away with an agreed-upon set of tasks regarding memory care. Then she told my other sister that memory care is not an option.

Mom is now cycling between being violent and remorseful. Sister flew here to bring her to her own home -- a 6-hour flight. I think there are huge risks in this. Not just the trip, where my paranoid mom could freak out and get arrested or endanger people on a plane. But she is a lot to handle even in the best of times. I'm afraid for my sister. She doesn't understand that she's not equipped to deal with a paranoid angry mom. As I said "Sis, we're not in the Ramones any longer" I don't even know why she wants to do this.

As far as I can tell, there isn't really a plan, other than no memory care, a psychotic mother and waiting for her to be kicked out of her community. The only way I know to keep myself sane is not to help. In the meantime my other two siblings and all of our spouses agree that Mom needs memory care, but there seems no way to stop the powerful sister train. I'm just a "doer of things" for someone who doesn't live here and wants Mom to live a specific way.

The latest I hear is talk of getting a psychiatrist to see mom. Experts are to be scorned if they don't agree with my sister, so I don't see the point.

A couple of days ago when Mom was throwing and breaking things, I asked my support group's help in thinking about what to do. How would you get a psych hold? I learned a lot. One thing is that if we managed to get her in a voluntary psychiatric hospitalization, they would set her up with a lot of supportive services and a social worker for the family. You would think this would make me feel warm and fuzzy, but when one sibling is the ultimate authority, will not budge, does not agree that Mom has Alzheimer's, is angry and resentful and feels that she knows more than doctors or other professionals, why spend the time pretending? I tried social workers / family mediation before, to no avail.

Meanwhile, I brought flowers to Mom yesterday and she told me that she didn't need to see me again, because I wasn't going to do what she wants and help her escape from the community where she lives. She thinks that "bad people" are holding children hostage, that "bad people" are in the basement, and that we will remember this moment and be sorry.

I'm sorry now. Do I get any points for that?

Some day we'll laugh, and that's why I'm writing this down in all of its absurd fucked up nuance and glory.

I leave you with Jimmy Lunceford, one of Mom's favorites, and his song "Call The Police!"