Those Depends Won't Rip Themselves

A rich and loamy day in the fun factory. Last night was pretty sweet -- mom read the July 2000 Sunset magazine and commented on many of the articles. "Have you ever thought about hiking?" she asked. It was unusual. She doesn't usually ask me questions -- only monologue. Also I had brought her a succulent arrangement and there was an article in the magazine on succulent arrangements. Then she told her helper last night that she'd just "found" the arrangement I'd made for her. Whatever.

It took a long time for her to fall asleep and I watched her, worrying about my plan to leave her on her own the next night. How could I manage to slip away? She and I slept pretty well, and she made some of the most amazing snoring sounds. I recorded them for mrguy's collection of odd sounds. I thought they reminded me of the three stooges, but mrguy said it was more like classic Donald Duck, and he's right.

Honestly, things were pretty ok last night, and this morning my mom cheerily allowed a PAL to give her a shower. But as soon as I turned her over to her caregiver, who is one of the nicest Christian women you will ever meet, she turned into a devil.

Yes, she is angry that we have ripped her out of her previous environment. Yes, this place is different and people are less together. Yes, there is the occasional scrum at breakfast, which is the sort of thing she's not used to. But my mom has real problems. Hers are different, but they also require supportive care. She belongs here. And she thinks she's above everyone else.

She's taking her frustrations out on her caregiver. She spoke to my sisters multiple times while I was "working" today, and hung up on them when they didn't say what she wanted. I arrived to a worn out mom and a wrung out caregiver. It blows.

Not really sure what to say or do. My sisters were flipping out all afternoon. One says that mom isn't a good fit for memory care. One wants structure -- who should do what if things blow up? Me? I am boots on the ground, doing the work. I am dealing with the day to day. I have slept with my mom in her bed in her memory care floor for almost a week, and I just don't have the bandwidth to think about much more than my next few days.

When I arrived this evening my mom was really wound up. She and the caregiver had had discussions that my mom, sundowning by this point, expected the caregiver to explain to me. The caregiver was worn out and said that mom should tell me how she felt. By 6:30, when I arrived, the thoughts had left mom and feelings were all that remained. Her response? To call our caregiver who loves her a liar. That really pissed me off. In typical fashion, she'd found the most awful thing you could say to a person like our caregiver, who reads the Bible in her spare time. And when she went to go home at the end of her shift, mom told her that she wasn't allowed to go. I yelled at her not to speak to her caregiver that way. And a bunch of other stuff happened over the next few hours until I walked the fuck out of her room and said good night, leaving her with her PAL. 

I think my mom was shocked that I left her alone this evening. But other people are being paid a wheelbarrow full of cash every month to deal with her. Let them. This is a first, but I hope it's the first of many. My mom is a black hole of endless need. I love her, but I'm feeling more like it's her or me.