Voice Memo

When I visited my mom yesterday to deliver supplies and meet our caregiver (who has been fabulous so far), I arrived to find mom with a death grip on a pillowcase, swatting the caregiver and threatening to kill her. By the time I left, she had kissed her on the cheek, sweetly.

In between:

She tried to break my finger. She tried to bite me. She likes to fix her mean, almost turquoise eyes on you, and sneer while crunching whatever part of you she's got a grip on. It's pretty cinematic.

Then she went on many unpleasant rants, captured on my iPhone. Thank you, Steve Jobs, for Voice Memo!

Mom:  I hope somebody kills her. Got it? She is trying to kill us. I'm going to get up and see if I can hit her [the caregiver] in her head. And if you get in my way I'm going to hit you.

Mom: You want someone to come up to you and say "I'm going to kill you?" 

Me: That didn't happen.

 

Mom: You don't care if you live or die?

Me: You are extra extra today

Mom: You're the baby I shouldn't have had.

Me: I know, but that's your fault, not mine

In the background, on tv, soothing Ben Napier of HGTV's Home Town waxes rhapsodic about what he loves about cedar.

Mom: I don't want to die. I want to stay with you. 

Me: Please don't die, then.

Mom: You better be working on saving me.

Me: Every day I work on saving you. It's my life mission.

Later

Mom: You're stupid....

Me: I may be stupid, but I love you. I don't really know what to say when you say such awful things, mama.

And this crazy interlude, where she began hectoring me about my not having a baby went on forever. She was sobbing and snapping at me and that seems to be about abortions of the past. I never had one, but other family members did.

Mom: Aren't you glad? Sure. You didn't want a baby anyway. Well you could have let somebody else have it.

Me: That's gross.

Mom: You're such a dumb bunny. I'll sock you. 

And then the weird riff -- 

Mom: You never did want children. We'll get you a gun and you can have it. Yeah -- other people's children, You HAVE, too. And you made up children.

Me: I made up children? Ok, I did.

Mom: I've seen it happen. I'm gonna hate you. 

Me: It's ok. You can hate me if it makes you feel better. I love you. 

Mom, sobbing -- That's what you wanted. You wanted NO children. Don't you feel good? You're stupid...stay away from me from now on. You're ugly. 

Me: You trained me not to fight back, lucky duck!

Mom: I want to go home right now. Maybe I could find somebody to give a child. I feel sorry for the child.

And...scene!

Tomorrow mrguy and I are going for a few days out on the Coast. I gave my sisters the information for the mortuary and I told them I hope they get to use it. I asked them not to call me, email any of my email addresses or contact me in any way because I don't care and I hope she dies soon.

I'm Not Ready

Yesterday was weird. I visited mom and she was talkative and morbid.

Previously, she has danced around the subject of death just a bit. And when she does, or she mentions her mom (which is a rare occurence) we're certain that it's a sign. Well yesterday all she talked about was death.

At first, she told me that she was afraid of dying. I asked for more info and got nothing.

Then she started to riff on my brother and his health problems. And she also referred to his wife by her (first) sister-in-law's name. That is remarkable because my brother has a strong resemblance to my mom's brother and now she can't tell them apart sometimes. And that is messed up.

It gets worse, but I don't want to share.

Then she asked me if I wanted to die, and asked her caregiver if *she* wanted to die. I told her that we aren't ready. Finally she dwelled on her own death. Did I want her to die? I told her repeatedly that I didn't (which is a lie, but whatever). After a few rounds of telling her no or “not today", I told her that if she wanted to die she should, and if she didn’t want to die she shouldn’t. I mean, really, at this point it is completely up to her. She is miserable and I don't want her to lead a miserable life. But if she wants to stick around for it she can do that.

Anyhoo from that conversation it seems like Mom is at least beginning to think of end of life. The only way she wants to go is if she can take us with her.

Good old selfish Mom. I had the conversation with our caregiver that if anything happens Mom has a DNR. She gets it, but has said that she doesn't know what she'll do when Mom goes because she loves her like a parent. We are so lucky to work with our caregiver. She's truly an amazing (and fun) person. As I was leaving, my mom turned to her and asked if she will help when the time comes. That was kinda heartbreaking. Poor mom.

On the way out last night I had a good conversation with my fake mom, Joan. She has a little knee pain, but saw the doctor and is actually doing pretty well (she says). She was reading the newspaper upside down, which I think is the most darling thing. 

Every Item Has A Story

My brain is too full. Yesterday I was at a work gathering and a long-time employee showed a photo of herself and a former employee. When she told me who the other guy was, I said "I know him. They had his farewell party at a park." Mind you I have never met the guy, but when I hear that guy's name I can visualize his employee photo, and the photos of him in the department he was part of, and the photos of that picnic. I do not need this information about the guy, who was an intern, but being able to summon this info is a parlor trick that probably allows me to keep working in my current capacity.

So when I looked at my breakfast this morning I thought visually, as I often do. Why am I wired to remember the origin story of every item I own?

From the left -- Wheetabix cereal (sentimental purchase reminding me of a childhood trip to Otherlandia) in bowl from a set purchased that time my sister decided that I was going to host Christmas and I bought new dishes and then she said that mom was sad that she wasn't hosting Christmas that year and completely changed all my plans while asking me to help with hers. The spoon? Ecko Eterna Canoe Muffin. I bought a fork in this pattern at the Purple Heart thrift store in the Old Place, tracked it down on Ebay, and have bought Canoe Muffin ever since. The classic 1990s mug is from a trip to Vashon Island to see mrguy's dad. The little salt and pepper caddy was inspired by the table settings at our hotel in Dessau, but purchased from the Bauhaus museum. Blue thing in the background? Aqua Zinger, as seen in Sky Mall on a work trip. Make your own spa water. And over on the right, the recent purchase -- a Magic 8 Ball.

Will the lasagne that mrguy is making be tasty?

Most likely.

Oh Siri

After seeing Waipuna last night (first time in person since before the pandemic), we went out for a beer. Our bandmate said that he keeps a Hawaiian state quarter in the pocket of his puffiest winter coat to remind him that warm places exist.

Then I reminded him that mrguy keeps an original Hawaii dime in his ukulele case. Thennnn I got to talking about Mercury dimes and how I want my Tubmans (delayed until 2030), and we looked at a current quarter and ended up asking Siri about the Bombay Hook.

But Siri went wacky and this is what she found:

Whatever, Siri.