I'm Not Ready

Yesterday was weird. I visited mom and she was talkative and morbid.

Previously, she has danced around the subject of death just a bit. And when she does, or she mentions her mom (which is a rare occurence) we're certain that it's a sign. Well yesterday all she talked about was death.

At first, she told me that she was afraid of dying. I asked for more info and got nothing.

Then she started to riff on my brother and his health problems. And she also referred to his wife by her (first) sister-in-law's name. That is remarkable because my brother has a strong resemblance to my mom's brother and now she can't tell them apart sometimes. And that is messed up.

It gets worse, but I don't want to share.

Then she asked me if I wanted to die, and asked her caregiver if *she* wanted to die. I told her that we aren't ready. Finally she dwelled on her own death. Did I want her to die? I told her repeatedly that I didn't (which is a lie, but whatever). After a few rounds of telling her no or “not today", I told her that if she wanted to die she should, and if she didn’t want to die she shouldn’t. I mean, really, at this point it is completely up to her. She is miserable and I don't want her to lead a miserable life. But if she wants to stick around for it she can do that.

Anyhoo from that conversation it seems like Mom is at least beginning to think of end of life. The only way she wants to go is if she can take us with her.

Good old selfish Mom. I had the conversation with our caregiver that if anything happens Mom has a DNR. She gets it, but has said that she doesn't know what she'll do when Mom goes because she loves her like a parent. We are so lucky to work with our caregiver. She's truly an amazing (and fun) person. As I was leaving, my mom turned to her and asked if she will help when the time comes. That was kinda heartbreaking. Poor mom.

On the way out last night I had a good conversation with my fake mom, Joan. She has a little knee pain, but saw the doctor and is actually doing pretty well (she says). She was reading the newspaper upside down, which I think is the most darling thing.