We Speak The Truth

Yes, it's true.

The Adventures of El Frenetico and Go Girl:
7) A Zorro-type guy and his karate-kicking girlfriend fight a junk food mogul whose snacks turn people into zombies.

Waldheimia:
5) A family of nearly extinct clams named after Fischer von Waldheim

Myra Fanklin:
7) The woman who has seen the movie The Sound of Music over 1000 times

In Oklahoma it's still illegal to destroy:
2) Another man's melons at night

The Gene Pool Has Spoken

In the first round of Balderdash, the Greater Guy Family submitted the following for consideration.

Answers in this space tomorrow.

The Adventures of El Frenetico and Go Girl:

1) A flamenco dancer falls for a handsome waiter and they open a dance studio in Seville. They train a troupe of flamenco dancers who take Broadway by storm
2) A hyperactive mutant teen and her idol meet and end up saving Los Angeles
3) The saga of two Go-Go dancers attempting to win a dance marathon and use the prize money to spring "go girl's" father from a Mexican drug prison
4) Two young benzedrine hop-heads criss-cross the country trying to calm down
5) Two schoolteachers find luck in love and global security when they adopt superhero alter-egos, Dubai-style
6) The misguided adventures of two outcast superheroes ( -- 90 minutes / PG 13)
7) A Zorro-type guy and his karate-kicking girlfriend fight a junk food mogul whose snacks turn people into zombies.

Waldheimia

1) A psychological disorder in which the afflicted fears his reflection in the mirror.
2) A distinctive walk developed by Waldo He (“hay”) using a stride + skip with the left foot and a hop with the right foot.
3) A form of clinical psychosis distinguished by the confusion of policemen for nuns
4) Alsatian meadow violet
5) A family of nearly extinct clams named after Fischer von Waldheim
6) Failure to be able to recall embarrassing incidents in one’s past
7) A rallying cry from German soccer players, when leaving the Black Forest

Myra Fanklin

1) Wrote the hit song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
2) Mistress of Albert Einstein, who received 20 percent of his estate after his death
3) A”king-maker” socialite who was Theodore Roosevelt’s lover
4) Against the wishes of her husband built a machine shop in the back yard and in it invented the first dual blade lawnmower
5) Girlfriend of “Tommy the Nose,” Mafia figure of the 1960’s.
6) Myra’s family fortunes shifted when this Akron, Ohio, mother of five won the 2001 Duct Tape Challenge by constructing the photo backdrop for her son’s Junior Prom
7) The woman who has seen the movie The Sound of Music over 1000 times

In Oklahoma it's still illegal to destroy:

1) Ballots in the year in which they were cast
2) Another man's melons at night
3) Your neighbor's milk chute
4) Any public sign containing the letters "O.K."
5) The tag on a new mattress until it has been owned for 90 days
6) Church steeples
7) First edition copies of The Grapes of Wrath

The New Place Sounds Like This

On the weekends, our neighbor quietly works on his truck in his driveway while listening to recordings of duck calls on the stereo.

MRAKmrakmrakmrakmrakmrak...MRAKmrakMRAAAKmrakmrak...

Lice

It's a little early in the season to be discussing lice, but it was a hot day like this when I saw it...

In the old place, there was a thrift store. It was run down but had bargains. I found $40 v-slicer there for $3, for example. And an optigan. And vintage ashtrays from Trader Vics. Still have them all.

It was the kind of place where you could catch local color, like the exasperated mother shouting "TRAVIS!! Put that down or I'll slap a TURD outta ya!!"

Even that was classy compared to the decline that occurred over time. Store changed hands and the new owner let her grandparents sleep on the furniture with the T.V. on. I kept shopping there, but it felt creepy. One day before the store closed for good I saw a greasy pizza box nailed to the wall over the basket of hats and wigs. On the interior was scrawled in ballpoint ink:

Due to lice infestation, do not try on hats.

Such was the old place.

Sheffield's Dentifrice -- a correction

Sheffield's Dentifrice -- a correction

The correspondent who furnished the formula for a preparation said to resemble this, which was printed in last month's CIRCULAR, was unfortunate enough to write sodium bicarbonate where he meant to say precipitated chalk. We here reproduce the formula corrected accordingly:

Powdered white castile soap........................6 drs.
Precipitated chalk...........................................15 ozs.
Carmine, No. 40..............................................3 or 4 grs.
Sassafras flavoring (as below).....................100 mins
Glycerin, a sufficient quantity.

Rub the solids well together, add the falvoring in small portions during the constant trituration and then glycerin enough to form a thin paste.

Sassafras Flavoring.

Oil of sassafras..................5 1/2 drs.
Oil of cinnamon..................2 drs.
Oil of wintergreen..............1/2 dr.
Extract of vanilla................4 drs.
Alcohol................................4 drs.
Shake before using.

--- The Druggists Circular And Chemical Gazette, June 1893

The Potato Chip Tasting: Results are In

Potato chips are among man's finest culinary achievements. Starch, salt, flavoring agent. Mmm.

They're really an "occasion" snack food. A destination.

My humble Mrs Guy observation is that the era of good potato chip flavor began with sour cream and onion in the 1970's, followed by brand tie-ins with barbeque sauce in the late 1980's. There didn't seem to be much else interesting in the chip market until the early 1990's, when boutique brands like Tim's Cascade and Kettle began experimenting.

Oh those heady days. I looked forward to trips to the Northwest, when I'd sample the latest from Tim's. Jalapeno, Salt & Vinegar (new back then), and Alder Smoked BBQ were standard Guy Family fare. Occasionally Tim's would come out with something new, and completely whiff. Coney Island Flavor was epic in both its novelty and downright hotdogginess. urp. In this state, Kettle was bringing us both flavor and diversity. I miss their brewer's yeast popcorn.

Mainstream chip brands now offer more variety, but some of their efforts have a Pillsbury Bakeoff quality: add a flavor to an existing flavor and call it something new. Witness dill pickle chips that are born salt & vinegar, and Thai BBQ that seem to have originated as regular BBQ with added ginger flavor. Nothing quite says Bangkok like KC Masterpiece.


But I digress.

My palate was humbled when Mr Guy and I went to England a few years ago and I realized how timid the American taste really is, when it comes to chips. England does flavor, and it does it well. Indian flavors, meaty flavors, spicy flavors...there's a lot to love. Kettle Chips, by the way, is holding out on us in the US. At a tube stop we bought Stilton & Port chips from them that are amazing.

On a recent trip to England, I amazed the airport bookstore people with my towering heap of snack purchases. I stuffed them in my computer bag, purse, everywhere they would fit, so that I could bring them home.

At a recent gathering of the people, we tasted and voted. One variety, Prawn Cocktail, did not make it as far as the tasting (couldn't resist. it was awful. should have been called "catsup")

Our Contestants:

Walker's Sensations Oven Roasted Chicken with Lemon & ThymeWalker's Sensations Vintage Cheddar & Red Onion Chutney
The Real McCoy's Flame Grilled Steak

o.k., and Hula Hoops, which don't count because they're wheat.

The winner? Surprisingly, Flame Grilled Steak. A close choice between that and Chicken. Not a dud among them.

Goose. The Beginning.

In the beginning, there were two Californians who moved to Cincinnati. On their visits they would regale us with stories of Cincinnati culture.

We learned that goetta (pronounced "getta") is a meaty sausage-ish affair. Corn Hole is a bean bag toss with an unfortunate name. Cincinnati Chili is made with cinnamon and chocolate and is served over either a) spaghetti or b) hot dogs. So cool to know about. So not-of-the-state-I-live-in.

On one visit, their stories of lawn geese made me laugh so hard (we were driving) that I had to stop the car. Turns out that in their area it is popular to dress plastic or cement geese in seasonal outfits and place them on the lawn. Lawn geese are so popular, in fact, that there are discount goose clothing outlet stores. Simplicity sells patterns for the lawn goose enthusiast who sews.

News of this trend had not reached us until this important visit.

So I looked into it. And I laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

Then I drank the goose Koolaid, so to speak.

By the time their plane deposited them safely back in Cincinnati I'd already thrown down for geese, and little Pilgrim outfits. I'd developed strong opinions about geese (geese should not wear bikinis. it's indecent to see them naked if they've ever worn clothing). My attempts to bring others into the goose cult has thusfar been unsuccessful. Only Mr Guy really gets it.

Mr Guy's favorite purveyor of goose togs is Bunnies Bibs and Bears. Mine? A tie between Goose Clothes Galore and Miles Kimball. Corporate, I know, but they make a fine Pilgrim outfit.

More goose words on another day.

Canning

Canning is something I talk about more than actually do, but when I learned from plum tree owners that the plum season was upon us, I headed out to the store with plum sauce recipe in hand.

Turns out that in-season means $2.99 a pound for unripe unsmelly plums. And, while I'm bringing it up, $1.99 each for avocados. What's the point? But I bought vinegar and sugar anyway in the hope that I'd get lucky along the way.

Even though the Super Safeway in the old town let me down, the Goodwill next door to it did not. I scored a beautiful real kukui nut necklace of Flintstonian proportions for $4.

Back home at Los New Friends, there were the most beautiful egg-sized avocados 5 for a dollar. And two kinds of heavenly smelling plums at the princely price of 89c a pound.

Let the canning commence.

Changing of the Goose Guard

More about geese later, but please join me in commemorating an important summer milestone, the changing of goose togs. It's at this point in the year that Porkopola and Fritz' late spring / early summer vacationing tourist outfits make way for their entertaining at home clothes.















Fritz' mid-summer ensemble includes man-goosely barbeque apron bearing a witty "Kiss the Cook" slogan. He wields an imposing felt spatula.



Porkopola's feminine frock comes with dainty checked kerchief. She holds a tray of what is, without argument, barbequed fowl.