Juice Detox

A dear friend invited me to do a juice cleanse this week. Of all of her friends, many of whom are hippie granola or second generation descendants of commune folks, mrsguy is the only one who responded yes. I want to be supportive, I thought it might be a good reset, and I'm curious. I made it three days before I thought this decision was actually dangerous for me.

The liquids I prepared were beautiful and smelled great, and not fully pureed (my blender is 33 years old). So the texture was unfortunate. Then I realized that the cleanse has tasks about every hour and a half. Take spirulina tablets. Take activated charcoal. Drink a pungent liquid. Drink psyllium and chia mixed with water three times a day. Eat this stiff green salad. Drink your dinner. Somehow drink 8 glasses of lemon water also.

By morning of Day 3, I had an insane headache, I was dizzy, my body hurt and I had to go to work to clean out someone's office (i.e. lifting heavy objects and bending over). I began to feel like I'd rather not eat the rest of the week rather than have this little control. When my latent anorexia gets triggered that's a very bad sign. Also, the audiobook that the kitten likes is about the Troubles in Northern Ireland, and there is graphic description of force feeding of hunger strikers. The whole thing messed with my head.

So I guess we learned something. A good friend said "Juice cleanses are not for working girls," and she was right. I was suffering in a way that felt unproductive -- like I needed to be waited on -- because of this choice I'd made to be on a fucking juice fast. You're supposed to feel great when it's over, and I feel like I'm recovering instead.

We live and learn.

I'd Like To Report A Kidnapping

 

The Trees

So I'm obsessed with this house. Where do I start?

I could never afford this house, but I fantasize about it. It has gorgeous architecture, a beautiful swimming pool, privacy, and...every horizontal surface is piled high with bizarre crap. If this is your house, I'm sorry I'm capping on it but you need to get help.

The listing first appeared on Zillow a few weeks ago, with tiny photos. Even those and the description made me alternately drool and ask myself rude questions.

This house was originally listed for over four million clams. Yes, it's sitting on 60 acres and it has gorgeous bones, and the pool and a koi pond. Did I mention that? Or the Japanese garden? But when you look at the photos and notice that there seems to be a parrot aviary with parrots in it, and then you see the splotches on the walls and furniture (meaning you're going to need to do some bioremediation) and then you want to know more about the history of the place so you start reading the real estate agent's writeup and realize that you are not only buying a house on 60 acres, but you're essentially buying an old man also...

Yup. The guy wants you to let him live in the house until he dies. So for 4mil clams you don't even get to *touch* the house. You have to let the man live in his current squalor and perhaps even acquire more of the things he loves:

1. Armor and armaments (both Western and Japanese)
2. Statues in the shape of birds
3. Actual birds (that may or may not have run of the house)
4. Zebra striped accoutrements
5. Actual zebras (Read the fine print, Fool. You are buying an old man AND his zebra)
6. Statues in the shape of horses
7. Mini horses (see #5). OK it's just one mini horse and just one zebra, but that is one more old man, little horse and actual zebra than I've ever seen in a house listing.
8. Ship models. Among the bronze statues of animals and Hindu deities and armor and swords are multiple, large ship models, some housed in vitrines as large as a man.

Only some of this was apparent in the original house listing on Zillow. But now I have located a different listing with larger photos and a more elaborate description that indicates that in addition to categories 1-8, above, plus a swan or two (raising the bird count to a minimum of 4) there is a 100 gallon gas tank for the tractor and other vehicles that come with the property. Holy cow.

My favorite quote from the listing:
"Use of the property is only limited by your imagination."

after the guy selling it is done with it and your 4 million clams, I say.

Dude nobody will buy this house with you and your mammals and farm equipment and fire hazard gasoline tank in it.

I suggest that readers of mrsguy scrutinize every photograph in this listing while it's still up.

tinyurl.com/29x48p2w

Enjoy!