More Laughs From The Fun Factory, May 2023 Edition

My sibs and I are in agreement that we're going to ask for medication to tamp down our mom's behavior. I needed a day off in order to simmer down myself after the weekend, so they kept yesterday's news to themselves. So when we had our phone meeting today to discuss next steps for mom, they shared yesterday's stories.

Apparently upstairs, in memory care, my mom spied her sworn enemy, a caregiver who worked for her on one occasion, who mom had a very negative response to. Mom accused her of causing her injuries (all self-inflicted). Every time she sees the remaining scabs on her hands, my mom talks about the caregiver and how she wants to kill her or, as my sister shared "I told her 'Hey, Bitch! Get out of here.' I could just hit her in the face and hope she falls down and dies."

Way to go, mom.

Yesterday that caregiver was working with Big David, who lives next door. A seemingly nice giant of a fellow. His wife is part of our monthly family caregiver's zoom meeting. My mom saw David in the hallway with the caregiver and WENT OFF "You stole my man!! He was going to come and lie with me in my bed tonight and you took him!!!"

Later on, in the middle of the Memorial Day concert downstairs, apparently mom had another outburst. She saw Big David, Mrs. Big David and the caregiver and yelled "Look at them!! Sitting there like fucking dogs!!" Our caregiver removed mom from the scene. 

You know? Language was a big deal in my family. I wasn't allowed to use the word "butt". My father actually made me bite down on a bar of soap when I said the word "shit" when I was 17. And now my mom is the queen of the f-bomb. And her devoted caregivers are nice church ladies, but luckily they have a generous sense of humor. One day recently my mom was telling her caregiver to fuck off. Apparently she responded "My daughter and I are married ladies and we know what that word means. We don't like it when you use that word." Man, I love them.

So we are all on the same page: medicate mom. It's time. She has medication, but when the physician's assistant told me that we could give more, something in me snapped. All of us are at a point where we can't cope with her verbal abuse any more. What I need to do (I drew the short straw) is to convey to mom's doctor that we've realized that we're at a new stage of the disease and that this weekend brought us to that realization. Mom is no longer going to have an active life but instead we need to seek a peaceful one for her. For mom -- imagine what it feels like to have these periods of agitation -- for her neighbors -- how horrible to have my mom be in their midst, judging them and yelling -- and for her caregiving team who get most of the abuse -- this has got to change. Until she's gone. 

Amidst the Chaos

On that drive, yesterday, I heard the life story of our caregiver for that day. She was young and cheerful. I really liked her, and asked a lot of questions especially during our drive during which mom was surprisingly calm and mostly slept. I knew this wouldn't last long. Mom doesn't like caregivers who are young, or heavy or black (unless she does) or unattractive ("I just don't want to look at her all day"). That last comment was from 7 years ago when she was much more together. It's mortifying, on top of everything else.

[Edit] I decided to cut out the life story of our caregiver, which is interesting but super challenging for her. I couldn't believe how buoyant she was for all she seems to have going on in her life. She and I gabbed and gabbed and it was nice to chat with her.

She and I enjoyed the ride, at least. And in the midst of a sucky day caring for my mom we saw a pink house and a little white bunny with a grey racing stripe down his back.

Unbelievably, the caregiver survived my mom and all of her screaming and telling her to get out -- all the drama. She came back the next day, and then she asked if we had permanent caregivers for my mom's weekends. She wants to work with us. I have no idea why. If I could snap my fingers I would send my mom off into the next dimension so that neither she nor we would have to suffer any longer. But hey, if this kid wants to have us I'm interested.

Tomorrow we are having a family meeting. I am taking the day off to absorb it all and hopefully make good choices for mom. Give her more drugs!!

Night-Night, Mom!

My mom’s been torturing us for months. She’s abusive on the phone. She physically fights caregivers and nurses and gets skin tears and then sees them later and thinks that she’s being abused, and it makes her angry. She sees people she doesn't like and talks about killing them. She has angry episodes almost every day. Her daytime caregiver can calm her down, but it’s having its toll on her and the nighttime caregiver, her daughter. We haven’t been able to secure weekend caregiving since a crackdown on casual caregivers in my mom's community. We’re almost out of the woods, with an agency in place, but mom hates every new caregiver she meets, and she acts out. Yesterday was no exception. I had to orient a new caregiver, and then spend time with her and mom. I wanted to take her for a drive, which she wanted to do, but she just futzed around in order to wind me up. She called me lazy when I let the caregiver put on her sweater and said that that was why I was so fat around the middle.

Two hours after I made my escape, I got a call from the caregiver because my mom was out of her mind, yelling "Get out!!". I counseled her to give the phone to my mom so I could keep her busy and make sure she doesn't fall. Go to the nurse's station and ask for Ativan, and grab my mom's favorite Pal, who was on duty that day. It all worked out, but I had to hear my mom's frequent refrain that "I'll REMEMBER this," which is funny because she has Alzheimer's.

I’m done.

A few days ago, the daytime caregiver and I took mom to the doctor’s office to fill out some paperwork for the community where mom lives. Something I heard, something that I already knew, struck me in a different way. The Physician’s Assistant said that we could give my mom more medication but that we haven’t because she has a strong caregiving presence in place and we (mostly the beloved daytime caregiver) can turn her episodes around. 

Wait. So we’re making the choice to allow her to torture us because we can take it? Why should we do that?

Basically, fuck her. It’s our life or mom’s and she’s 95.

So I wrote to my sisters yesterday, while mom was mid-meltdown with a new caregiver and told them I just can’t do this any more.

I am tired of her abusive rants. I’m tired of not knowing if she will accept new caregivers. I am tired of not knowing whether my time is my own. I am tired of all of the thankless tasks. Of carrying my phone in my hand wherever I go. Of feeling sorry for all of the people she interacts with because she is so awful. I have deep trauma about this. I cannot fucking stand my mom, but I am unfailingly nice to her. My sisters and I do things for her every day.

Surprisingly, my middle sister responded to my email and said that she agreed. She could have written the exact same thing. She’d had her own meltdown that day and said to herself “I can’t do this any more”.

I will not back down from this. I don’t care. I feel like I have spent the last 8 years in bondage to my mom. It's only getting more challenging.

Drugs. I want her to have more drugs. I want her to have a peaceful sleepy life so that we also can have a peaceful life. 

Happy Friends Brunch!

Sometimes you just gotta. You gotta make it happen. And when it does, it's lovely.

We had a great brunch this weekend, with my good friends from library school and our mentor. For the purpose of this post, we will call them Mentoria, Beauty and Snugglebunny.

It was so delightful. I went to Grocery Outlet (nee Canned Food Warehouse), which usually has a fine selection of breakfast items, and found only Mandalorian-themed waffles. They cracked me up, so that’s what we had. I made apricot compote, applesauce with allspice and strawberries, and glammed up the table, which I *really* enjoy doing. That last part where I find things in the garden to make arrangements with is my favorite part of the setup. Mrguy, as always, made the house shine.

It was so good to be with my people. Mentoria is just that. She was my cataloging teacher in my first semester of library tech school. She took me under her wing, helped guide the essays that got me into grad school, and told me about scholarships that I didn’t know about otherwise. Once in grad school, she was our professor in the class where I met Sleeping Beauty and Snugglebunny. They married a few years after we all met. Our cohort, in general, was really tight. They supported me in so many ways, as I, who had no experience in the field floundered about, but eventually found my way with a lot of their hand holding. I look back and realize how lucky we were. I have stayed in touch with Mentoria, who occasionally has come for lunch at work. Beauty and Snugs not so much, but I’m so glad to reconnect. 

I have missed them.

So during lunch we traded home made preserves and talked about families, and also shared stories of oddly familiar family situations with siblings. Who knew? And afterward I felt so darned relaxed. It’s a wonder what being with people who understand and accept you will do.

Our sweet boy cat was quite the entertainer, and he quickly claimed his spot after we cleared the table :)

Friday Gratitude, Observed

It's been a tough week. My mom has been especially awful, to the point where mrguy suggested that I should take some time off from seeing her because it is not good for my mental health. Hasn't been good for my physical health, either, and I sometimes have gastric issues after I see her.

On the upside, we have some temporary help in my department at work that has two of my best guy friends working with us temporarily. Clam's husband, who is my friend and neighbor down the street, and a friend who we formed our Hawaiian band with many years ago are both temporary archivists. They and another really great lady who we're borrowing from another department are helping us with our backlog, which has gotten large quickly due to various large acquisitions from long-time employees.

I've been so cranky lately, and I have my crank on pause here for a few minutes in order to gratitoot ;)

This morning was the coronation of King Charles III. Now that it's over I'm sure he's as relieved as the rest of us. I invited the precious family to come over in the middle of the night and drink hot chocolate, which they did. We had hot chocolate with marshmallows, which I served in various royal mugs, and they brought me treats from England where they'd just come from the other day. They brought official Marks and Spencer shortbreads, which are amazing tasting and amazing looking and come in a commemorative tin. And they also brought me an official coronation mug. I wasn't expecting a present. I was simply happy that I could suggest they show up between 2 and 3am at my house for hot chocolate and British royal festivities and that they would even want to do it. I had their mugs warming for them when they arrived.

So it's belated because it's Saturday gratitude, but gratitude nonetheless. I feel super blessed.

Bonus points -- after I went back to bed for a while I visited my mom, and she was surprisingly sleepy, happy and delightful. I brought her a mason jar full of hot chocolate, along with marshmallows and shortbreads. We watched Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. I know nothing about the MCU, and she couldn't really understand what was going on. "Is this in a movie?" was her common question. Neither of us really cared about the answer to that.