I wonder why I never published this one, from during the pandemic.
But we're social distancing and I have to use other skills, which are not abundant. And I do it as the local emissary of the Guy Family. I go to see the mama every M, Th, Sat. We social distance together in front of her apartment building, and I try to always come with something for her -- avocados, circus animal cookies, flowers from the garden, surgical masks. After that, we try to converse.
She is deaf and won't wear her hearing aids at the same time as a face mask, so it's been difficult. Also she can't speak up because her voice is shot, and a car always drives by when she tries to tell me something. And the front desk at the community where she lives is watching and vigilant and she gets chastised after our visits when they see we've been too close.
I have come to dread these visits because on top of navigating all of the above, I have nothing to talk about because I am working, and the rest of the day it feels like my siblings and I are texting about Mom. If I enjoy something, I don't want to tell her because she either can't understand it (if it involves technology) or wishes I'd invited her to also do it.
She's sometimes frustrated and unhappy. And it's not like she's grateful or really happy to see me or knows that I do it because I love her. I snapped the last time I went to see her. She used all of the arrows in her quiver to make me feel bad about her situation: blame, tears, bombast, anger, threats. I held it in until I got in the car and then was angry when I got home.
