As readers of mrsguy are aware, her visits of late have been plagued by misfortune. In October she arrived just as my mom got Covid *and* fell and had to go to the hospital where she turned into a beast. In November my sister decided that someone had to spend Thanksgiving with Mom, so she did and inadvertently slept through the alarm, allowing my mom to get up unsupervised and fall. Mom's been mostly awful since then. During the holidays my sister directed me to do all sorts of activities for the family, do money stuff that makes me uncomfortable, etc. Each year my other sister and I hold hold our breath from the beginning of November until the passing of mom's birthday on January 20th.
Too soon after the holidays and weeks before the birthday I spoke to the offending child, who said: "I'm not sure what you have planned for Mom's birthday...but I'm coming to visit". Shoot!! For some reason, probably just reflex, I said I'd see who was available to come see mom. Then I realized that everybody had just seen her a few weeks ago at Christmas (not that she'd remember). I found one volunteer, a family friend. Then my other sister said she'd come see mom with my nephew. Fearing that they'd have to be face-to-face with our sister I joined them for solidarity on the weekend of the birthday proper.
The visit dates kept changing. My sister was going to arrive on the 16th with her husband. Then she was coming without, and coming later in the week. Her best friend was coming to town and she wanted to coordinate the visit in order to see her. She insisted that she only visit with mom on the same day that our favorite caregiver was working. Never mind that my sister has hired all of the caregivers and should want to know them and get to trust them.
During all of her machinations, she changed her tickets three times. Whatever, dude.
The weekend before and after dreaded mom birthday went pretty well. Mom was out of it on weekend one. But after my sister's visit the second weekend she was unbelievably upbeat during our visit. She spoke in complete sentences, thanked us profusely for coming, said she was lucky to have us. When I reported back to mrguy, he was in a state of disbelief that she could be so different from the biting angry mom of late.
Here's the punchline. I thought everything was great. But I checked in with mom and the caregiver the other night after work. Mom had her head on my shoulder and was watching Shark Tank while the caregiver and I caught up. Turns out that my sister had been bullying her about her work schedule in the weeks leading up to the visit, and she had asked her to move her husband's doctor appointment so that she could work on my mom's birthday. When the caregiver's husband said that the appointment couldn't be rescheduled for another week and a half, my sister apparently referred to the doctor loudly as "unprofessional". My sister didn't want to visit with caregivers who were "strangers", a word that our caregiver finds insulting. As do I. It's the same word, she says, that my sister used when describing people who helped my mom during her stay at the hospital in October. I can hear the tone of her voice when she says this word. It's pointed and elongated and ugly. In the end, our caregiver's husband canceled his appointment and the caregiver did what Margaret wanted. I was horrified when hearing this.
Speaking of tone of voice, our caregiver was describing the kinds of things my sister says to her. They are the same kinds of emotionally manipulative things she says to the rest of the family. "I'm not happy about this" is one thing she says that sticks with me. We were raised to believe that if someone else is not happy, we also are not allowed to be happy. And apparently she has groomed our caregiver to respond to this also. As tears streamed down her cheeks and as I clutched my chest, she told me about a time when my sister had taken both hands over her head and slammed them onto the coffee table violently, three times, completely losing her shit and yelling at the caregiver. Why she didn't quit then I absolutely do not know.
My sister behaves like a monster. The caregivers all know that my sister doesn't trust them. They know that my sister worries and is unhappy about the small stuff. They fear her wrath and feel that she blames them for things that happen that are beyond their control.
I feel a deep sense of shame. I am not responsible for her actions but she treats people horribly. She thinks that we're all a bunch of dumb shits, and she can't control the anger that she feels about how much we disappoint her. When we don't do what she wants, we are the enemy. She doesn't care about the wounds she leaves, and I truly expect that after our mom dies that she will want to have some sort of rapprochement. As our caregiver said the other night, I can't forget what happened.
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