December 29, 2013
Summer before last, I saw an awesome blurb in the news about ladies in China wearing something called a facekini, which is a colorful face covering made out of swimsuit fabric. It blocks the sun from your face entirely. I was pretty darned excited about the idea of going out in public wearing a facekini, because one of my superpowers is developing little skin cancers on my face, and I hate wearing sunscreen. I decided I'd much rather make a bold fashion statement with my facekini.
I looked and looked and was unable to find one. Finally, about 8 months ago, I found one on etsy.
I swear to you that there were pictures with this facekini that showed cute girls in hats and sunglasses wearing them. So I bought one. Forgot to tell mrguy.
It arrived, I put it on, entered the kitchen where mrguy was cooking dinner and gave him the reveal. As he described it later to my family, "There are some things you can't unsee!" It was not a good look.
What I discovered was that either the original model for the facekini was a smaller person or I have a plus-sized head. I will let you decide which of these is true. None of my features line up with their intended apertures. And I'm not sure how the sunglasses worked in those cute pictures on etsy, because wearing sunglasses requires assistance from your ears, which the facekini covers up. The worst part of the look is that the mouth hole constrains my lips, making them look disturbingly like a pink and protuberant butt hole.
Accessories make the outfit, they say, but this one was a dud.
Thanks for the laughs, facekini!